Argh. PMS!
Not. Fun. At. All.
And my cramps has escalated to extreme now since my period really did come tonight. Fucking hell. I am a good predictor. I wore a pad today because I found my mood swings are really extreme. Don't think my boy realized my extremely swinging mood though... I am a good actress. Muahahaha!
Anyway, I had a girl to girl talk with my sis just now. We were both lying in bed with her on the top bunk and me laying on the bottom bunk. Talking about my ex's. First kiss. Boys. Monkey crush during school. You know that sort of thing. Hahaha. It was a good girl talk though.
And thanks to my boy, who called me at 00:45, I can't get back to sleep now. Hahahahaha. It's ok baby, I still love you.... cause.. now I can WoW! :D
So thought I wanna let out a few things on this 'mindless self indulging' blog of mine. LOL.
First of all... Why am I so hesitant about relationships?
It's a normal thing right? You fall for someone because of something. It's either he looks like a sex god, you both have something in common, you just like the way he dress or you want to know more about him. That's why you go into a relationship.
But the thing about me is... I take relationships very VERY seriously. I don't have a million boyfriends, I don't go around sleeping with guys I just met and happen to like, I don't jump to saying "YES!" every time a guy asks me out.
I'm a very quiet, low-profile girl. I'm someone who sometimes will feel lonely in a crowded room. Someone who nobody notices and will fade into the background during discussions. I don't go around seeking for attention and making a scene of myself just to get noticed. Actually I like being alone at times. It gives you time to think. It gives you a sense of serenity. And peace. I don't need people to be around me ALL the time. I can eat lunch alone. I can go shopping alone. It's no big deal for me. Like what my friend said to me: I'm Miss Independent. Hahaha!
ANYWAY, I was saying... I am very serious in relationships. I only have like 5 ex bfs for my whole 21 years of living. Some lasted for only a few months while the most recent one lasted for almost 2 years. And that was the last straw. He totally changed me. I admit I despised the male species since he left me. No, not despised. More like hatred. I was actually contemplating to switch to a full time lesbian since we girls understand each other better. And girls really know how to dress well too. :D
But no. I decided to give love a second chance. I was desperate. During that time, I was already starting to work. And yeah, you read my entry about Sha. He was part of my desperate attempt to get my relationship boat back on track. But he was a wrong choice. Sorry, but I just find him... boring. I mean, he's a great person. Good education, good family, strong religion... But... I just can't connect with him. And neither can Azman. Man! I feel like a slut. Hahaha. Hanging around 2 guys during my time in TOS. Tsk. It's like you're finding the best looking apple in a tree. And when you found it, you realized it is tasteless.
And I really thought that.... Ah well. My fate is written. I am going to be a lesbian soon. Might as well wait for the right girl to pop by. That's the reason why I don't go around looking at guys. I notice girls. But not guys. SP has a lot of pretty girls. Hahahaha! But that is beyond my point. XD
And ever since M (my most recent ex) left me, I got this huge migraine that comes and goes. I think I know what helps it too - I stopped drinking. I mean drinking is fun. You get drunk with your best buddies and you don't even know what the hell you're doing. And the next day, you can't even recall what just happened. But ever since I stopped drinking totally, you don't really have a place to wash your sorrows away. Usually, if I'm pissed off with work or with someone, I'll just call up everyone and head down to Clark Quay and just get wasted. You don't think of your problems... You just enjoy. So when I don't drink and got problems, what do I do? Sit and think about it. And when you start to think with a migraine, it adds on to the headache. It keeps on adding on and on. Until it becomes permanent like mine. :(
But alot has happened in the past few years. I'm not VERY old I know. I'm still young. I haven't seen life's worst wrath yet. I'm supposed to enjoy life to the fullest. 21 is like the best time to enjoy. You're legal for almost everything now...
I think... The reason why M left such a big impact on me was because we were still going strong for 2 years. I've never had a relationship that lasts like that long. We were both already thinking of the future. Our wedding, kids, what type of house we're gonna get, what sort of furniture we're gonna get.... All those sort of things. I was like thinking. Wow, is this the man I'm fated to be with? I found him at a damn early age! Hahahaha. Amazing.
But yeah, all good things must come to an end. Mine came so suddenly, my head just went blank. Like a sudden reformat. I can't think straight. I was a mess and this sudden hatred for men grew stronger each day.
I think I changed alot. Alot of.. Influences. But Sagitarians are like that. They love changes. And traveling. Hahaha. I want to travel, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and the open waters. Sigh. What am I going to do? LOL.
I used to be this carefree girl. Enjoying life. Being happy. I don't think about things so much. I just let life be. Whatever happens, happens. A little on the talkative side. A little adventurous. And I thought I would die if I ever be alone.
I don't know why I changed so much. I guess some people do. I think I just changed from being a bright happy sun to a dark gloomy cloud. That's how I used to see myself. A very boring person. But not with Em or Yani though. Hahaha. They are like my bestest best buds. I can totally let my hair down and just be myself.
Hahaha. Be myself? Yeah. I don't show the real crazy me to anyone I just recently met. Well except for my boy. I don't know what the hell I was doing. I think I forgot to switch back to normal mode. Hahaha. Usually I'll just keep to myself. No one, absolutely NO ONE, not even my mum or dad, has seen me cry. They think I'm an emotionless freak. hahahaha.
And alot of guys don't know I am a
crazy hardcore gamer. Coz I thought that they might think I'm a geek. LOL.
They don't know I'm being
plagued by moving shadows and spirits since young. And I thought that was normal.
They don't know I am a
bi. Hahahaha.
They don't know I am an
insomiac. But I think nowadays it's getting lesser. And I don't show signs of tiredness right? :D
They don't know I actually
attempted to suicide. Except for Iz, coz he helped me get out of it. :)
They don't know a lot of things about me. Not even M knows. Well except for that gamer thing. Hahahaha. But he thought I am just a casual gamer. :3
So now you know a bit more about the Lila you THOUGHT you knew eh? Muahahahaha.
And I don't know why I told everything to my boy even before we got together. @_@ Did you hypnotise me or put some truth serum for me to open up and tell everything?!
Ah.... It's soooo freaking tiring to be working AND taking care of the household. I am going to be so drained out, the only thing left of me at the end of the day will be my skin and bones. Hahaha.
Yeah... Alot of things to get off my chest. I don't know why. Mood swing maybe. LOL.
And baby, I'm REALLY sorry I'm still somehow disgusted with you. :( I know the past is the past. But just the thought of it... It makes me sick all around. I try to push it away from my already filled mind... of doom. XD I love you.
Forever yours.
Ok so, as usual this is a rare update to this dusty blog. I tried to keep this blog from just being there gathering dust, but... I'm now busier than everrr!
Life is a mess, juggling both career and family. Well at least for starters, my family is capable of handling themselves independently. I just provide the money and do the household chores everyday and the house wouldn't do a 180 flip. Job wise... ARGH. Screw everything. I'm just there to work now and to earn my payslip. End of story.
Well at least I got my boy to pull me away from reality once a while. And Em too. They are both great stress relievers. Just yesterday, I had a hell of a time with both of them. In the morning, Em called me over to relieve some stress she's had at work. We both made a hell of a racket inside MacDonalds. Hahaha. It was fun though. Then she followed me home and helped me with the chores. HAHAHAHA! Sounds weird. But WE DID IT! 2 crazy friends in a house doing housework and blabbering about work.
Ah... Then afterwards, I sent her home coz she just finished her night shift and had no sleep for almost 24 hours. Hahahaha. Poor girl. And she can still help me with the chores. Hahaha. THANK YOU! You're the best. XD Then afterwards, my gf, PY, called emily's handphone. It's been a while since I've talked to her. Hahaha. So while sending em home, I was talking to PY on the phone. Fun fun.
Then afterwards in the evening, I've met my boy in town. Watched a pretty funny movie - Tropic Thunder. And had sinfuls snacks. :( It was kinda a fast outing but it was awesome. Hahaha. And the thing about him that drives me wild inside is his smell. I DON'T KNOW WHY. But it just... OMG. It's like a drug seriously. Hahahahaha.
So anyway... I love him so. But he already knows that. XD
Sometimes I wonder. Who am I really? I already asked him that, but he said I never changed from the first time he met me. I mean yeah, of course, I think I already changed the moment I've met him. I know previously I'm not like this. I might sit down and think about it thoroughly. I know my migrane is gonna be hurting like mad after this. But I will take it slow. If not my head is gonna explode. Hahaha.
AHHH~! So today... another boring day. I woke up close to 12:30pm. :(
I managed to cook lunch for the day and cleaned the house a little. I think... I might sneak over to WoW today. :D
