I've met someone. Someone I'd never thought I'd fall for...
Someone who started off as a normal acquaintance and ended as someone I could have died to live without.
Someone who unknowingly have caught me, tripped me, punched me in the face and made me fall so madly in love with.
Someone who made me realize that being myself was the best thing I ever did.
Someone who goes thru all the trouble and made the effort to get in touch with me.
Someone who manages to get a laugh out of me even when I'm almost dying from working shifts.
Someone who always knows how to start and end my day.
Someone who is so wonderful. So amazing. So... funny.
Someone whom I am so much addicted to that I would do anything just to spend a second of my day with him.
But inside... I'm hesitant. I've felt this before.
I'm worried that it might happen all over again.
I'm worried that if I sacrifice so much for one person, that person can just leave any time he wants and leave me hanging there.
I'm worried. I don't want to have my heart shattered again just because of one person. I don't want to know that my effort is wasted. I don't want to be hurt again.
That's why... I'm very wary when it comes to relationships. I keep having bugging thoughts in my head. Even when he's holding me in his arms or when we're kissing, the thoughts keep swirling around my head. I try to shake it off. I tried telling myself if I never test the water first, I won't know how deep it can be.
I tried telling myself if you fall, you get back up and try again...
...But I'm not strong enough.
I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you in person.
I can't find my words. I didn't know what or how to say it.
I write my feelings down better than to say it.
It's not guilty conscience.
The thing is: I'm afraid.
I really do love you. But I'm just unsure of myself. I don't want to be possessive. But I just want some assurance that I'm doing the right thing. I don't want you to think that I'm paranoid just because of my past relationship.
...Maybe I am just a little. But that was because it was such a hard, sudden smack in the face, I still cannot accept it till now. I still cannot believe how stupid I was. How can a two year relationship that is still going strong suddenly collapse right in front of me just because I refuse to get in bed with him? Why does all guys think sex is the right [only] way for a relationship?
I might be wrong. I might be a little hypocritical. A little too generalized for the male species. But so far, all the guys I've met with are like that. No sex, off you go. Sometimes I do want to sacrifice it... But I just can't. I know it's wrong.
I wanted to say this to you: that time when you said you'd slept with your ex's, something just died inside of me. And that time on the phone when you told me about your 'almosts' stories... I don't know what I've felt inside. But I just kept it inside, I laughed about it. I joked about it. But I seriously wasn't feeling so well about it. That's why when you said you had more stories I was like : "Tell me next time, slowly..." I think I would have seriously died on the spot if you had told me another story.
I might sound a little old-fashioned. Sleeping around with people is such a normal thing nowadays. But I guess that's just how it is with me.
Sigh. I would have told you all this in person. But I can't. I'm not very good with finding my words to say it. I'm worried that it might be misleading. At least when I write down my feelings, I can re-read it back. See what I have just wrote.
Ah well. I wanted to say this to you. I didn't get a chance to say it to Izuan. I'm not gonna let this slip away again.
Hidir, I really love you.
& you just won the grand prize - my heart.
It might be too late to claim it back.
I can only hope you'll take care of it.......
Again... I haven't updated this in forever. I don't know. It's hard for me to stay loyal to a blog when I'm working mad ass shifts.
Anyway, a very close, good friend of mine just passed away because of a growth in his heart.... and the worst part: He never told me about it.
I only knew about it when I dropped by his house last week. His parents were like... "Lila, iz is at the hospital right now."
I thought he got in for a small issue. You know common illness and stuffs. It never occurred to me that he was actually....Anyway, when his parents told me all about his condition, I swear, everything just fell apart right there and then. They brought me over to see him. And the first thing that came to my mind when I was on the way to see him was : "I am so gonna punch the crap out of you Iz!"
But when I saw him laying there. He looked... so fragile. His usually tanned skin is now in off-white pale-ish. He looked like a withering flower, anytime now, he's just gonna bend over and snap in half. I wanted to wake him up. Tell him all my stories. I wanted to.... thank him. I wanted to see his eyes open just one more time. I wanted to hug him. I just wanted him to know I was here.... But instead....I just stood there. I was frozen. I was afraid that if I touched him, he would crumble right there in front of me.
A hard lump got caught in my throat. I don't know. For a moment, nothing went through my mind. I just rushed out of the ward, went to the bathroom, locked myself in the cubicle and cried right there and then. My head was like a huge messy sea of emotions. I was angry. I was sad. I was confused. I was lost. I didn't say anything else to his parents. I just quietly went home after crying.
I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn't have went home. Because Iz passed away the very next day. I didn't get a chance to say thanks. A chance to say goodbye. I didn't say what I wanted to say to him all this while...... I love you, iz.
Sigh...
Life is really fragile.
